Dame Commander Decider Crick and the soon to be damed or damned Sargent Ms Sue Says are two women who would otherwise not wish to be receiving unwanted attention from the priapic De Pfeffel. Not known for respecting the honour of ladies, he now finds himself and his hold on power dependent on their own honour.

As if to make matters worse his own rear is vulnerable to Rear Admiral Bliss Trussed. Her good eye to a spyglass, she’s been focused on a future with yet another female Tory PM. Not one for avoiding media attention she has become positively nun-like in her silence. In contrast, her blind eye sees no misdeeds – an article of faith not to De Pfeffel but the party (her political one, not the illegal ones).

And she has been hardly abstemious in sharing booze when it comes to ingratiating herself with party backers for her leadership (when such mixing was permitted in De Pfeffeland of course). “Get pissed with Bliss” was an interesting non-campaign campaign slogan. Leadership is nothing without followership and one senses Bliss’s matronly charm appealing to those in her party who followed nanny’s and matron’s every word in their formative years. Many of these potential followers have a lot of mess to clear up and one can easily imagine them being Trussed to her bosom as she wipes things clean for them.

Dame Crick on the other hand has a different visibility problem and one which De Pfeffel could easily milk. The Commander’s officers maintain a tight hold on security in the offices and homes of nation’s leaders; else we are truly open to being taken over by a destructive mob of despots. No 10 must have very few square metres not monitored 365/24/7* by security cameras. Mr Wet Mancock, former Head of Department for Pandemic Profiteering, discovered this to his cost; caught red-handed getting to the bottom of affairs.

Armed officers control all comings and goings on high alert we assume. However maybe having one ear plugged into constant communication with their controllers renders the officers deaf to party noise? Or perhaps it is that a suitcase full of booze wheeled into No10 need not be searched as it couldn’t possibly be mistaken for a terrorist bomb? Or maybe CCTV footage of a conga is a standard day in the corridors of power – Ah… bless ‘em. The poor young Spads need a break from running the country. It’s not like they’re killing anyone”? Whatever the case, the Dame Commander’s officers seem to have demonstrated an arrestingly low awareness of arrestable behaviour.

Dame Commander Decider Crick, when finally deciding to investigate historical misdeeds, is thus both in possession of first hand evidence and knowledge that her entire operation has been complicit in criminal behaviour. Now, that not be a first within policing; though the majority of police are not “bent” despite a plethora of national TV series on the subject. But it is probably the first time complicity in Government criminality has arisen in the “Mother of God” Parliaments’ affairs. More perversely, Dame Decider and her operation are under the purview of Brigadier Prattle, something not lost on those accusing her of creating a police state. However De Pfeffel appears strangely confident that at least the Brigadier will support him; her confidence in police is often stated when their probity is called to question; “our police officers are puttin their jobs on the line every day for this country” she has been heard to say.

Sargent Sue Says’ problems are of a more human kind – how to tell the man you serve that his stated ignorance (of parties or other illegal gatherings) is inconsistent with the evidence? In brief : you lied! De Pfeffel’s previous approach when thus charged by a woman has been variously “It’s not true” ; “I was drunk ” ; “It was nothing more than a prolonged embrace” or “I thought you knew and didn’t mind”. With the exception of the second variant – even he is not that stupid – he’s creatively combined the last two with “Nobody told me it was against the rules and anyway it was a work meeting and only lasted 10 minutes”. Unfortunately he’d already shot his bolt by initially relying on variant one – there were no parties.

To some, it was no surprise that De Pfeffeland was being led by a liar; after all a string of examples had gained him power in the first place. Perhaps to Sargent Says this is the case and she maybe thinking of one of her favourite county and western songs “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?” as she presents him with a report confirming De Pfeffel’s dishonesty. His own response may also appeal to her musical taste “How come your dog don’t bite nobody but me?”

So whatever Sue Says says, or Decider Crick decides, DePfeffel will have left and inedible inedible mark on a country which no change of leader will possibly erase.

*Historically, despots have never struck on Feb 29th