The Ministry of Satire excelled themselves yesterday. Giving De Pfeffel a hard copy of his speech to industry leaders on the topic of technology and levelling up, they avoided the risk of creating any semblance of confidence and capability by avoiding an autocue. The result was pure brilliance as De P lost his way and shuffled through pieces of reprocessed ancient woodland, gallumphing and muttering to himself as he did. Thankfully technology had moved them on from vellum, thus avoiding any headlines about “Lambs to the Slaughter “.

Farm animals did however feature in De P’s ad libbing, as he sought to order his papers. Satire Ministry mandarins could not believe how successful their coaching of De P had been as they looked on in approval while he talked about his new pet, De Pfeffel Pig. The industry leaders, who had been coaxed and coached to “The North”, knew a thing or two about successful branding. Not to be outdone De P attempted to promote his pet pig as the swine qua non of British creativity. All of which was in part true. De P made his barn storming performance headline news, while his cabinet of psychophants* in parliament overplayed the impact of illegal immigration and underplayed the impact of caps to social care on inequality and the levelling up agenda. Brand De P with its 3 key pillars of “faux chaos”, “creative dishonesty “ and “plausible deniability “ worked once again as choruses of “ahh bless him, he’s a one!” echoed around the country.

*the psychophant is a mythical beast, half pachyderm half human, with a very thick skin and a snout of considerable multifunctionality; sniffing out financial benefits such as tax avoidance on loans, consultancies in return for government contracts, attaching itself to the rear end of fellow psychophants, bellowing loudly in response to minor issues of political importance, inserting it into the ground as a pulley to bury the head for major issues of political urgency.