Greetings from De Pfeffeland; a place where people shout on social media telling others to stop moaning about the increasing cost of fuel because “putting twenty quidsworth of petrol in your tank still costs £20”. These social influencers also get to vote. Voting however is about to become largely meaningless given that De Pfeffeland’s “first past the post” system is about to be enhanced by the need to provide ID and a COVID pass (both available from an an App downloaded from The Department of Misinformation website) before selecting the “ I agree” box on a 72page electronic document explaining what the voter is agreeing to.

Thankfully local representative selected by this method have their constituents’ needs close to their hearts ( and wallets in their top left inside pocket). For example our local Majority Politician (MP), an ex-serviceman of colour, in his weekly email shares views on national pride at Armistice Day but ignores the ignominy of withdrawal from Afghanistan and the wasted lives of those sent to defend our democratic future there. Proud to be the first MP of West Indian heritage in his party, he is yet to share his own views on other national scandals such as racism in cricket.

To be fair he does have a finger on the pulse for local issues, sharing photos of himself joining those riding along a recently upgraded cycle route (joking them for the last 200 metres of the 20km ride). In other demonstrations that he is “going along for the ride “ he was one of many MPs marched to the top of the hill and back down again by Lieutenant General Lord Snooty Rees-Smug, Sir Mince Spicer, and Vice Admiral De Pfeffel himself, in defence of a fellow MP so corrupt he finally rejected himself. Meanwhile

The Ministry of Satire continues to issue statements about De Pfeffeland’s “Levelling Up” agenda. A recent example of their work was seen when, in defence of down-levelling “ Northern Powerhouse” rail development plans, Vice Admiral De-P (as he is known to those unaccustomed to typing so many Fs in one word without swearing) said that repurposing existing rail tracks saved “cutting through swathes of our world-beating heritage and countryside”. Which was a surprise to those in “The South” who had singularly failed in arguing the same case during HS2 plans between London and Birmingham and had lost acres of ancient woodlands; this in spite of the self same people having voted in De-P voluntarily (before the Misinformation Dept App and voter qualification standards were introduced thus belying the old adage “Turkies won’t vote for Christmas” and challenging the need for voter ID in the first place?)

Both departments (Satire and Misinformation) have also been hard at work promoting “Global De Pfeffeland “ and censoring any use of the term “Brexit” on national TV (in particular on De Pfeffeland Boostercasting Corporation – more on which in another post). Air Vice Marshall Lord Fusty and Rear Admiral Lady Bliss Trussed have been shuttling diplomacy astride their respective Dyson Airblade and Triumph Rocket to ensure that every new deal struck with a new trading partner comes with guaranteed GDP-enhancing bonus and De Pfeffeland Trust Transparency Promises.

Departmental Mandarins are particularly proud of DPTTP and their reassignment of the word “new” to include any trading partner in existence on the day after the 2019 election landslide victory. Without a hint of irony, Satire and Misinformation spokespeople continue to use the word “landslide “ in spite of its devastating connotations.

And finally, talk of devastation leads on to Rear Admiral Lady Trussed and her ability to put her telescope to her blind eye. Her brief in Government for ‘women’ meant that she could totally ignore a ‘man’ on hunger strike. The fact that it was he and not his wife campaigning for release from Iranian jail was presumably why she adopted Bliss ignorance to the matter. Her guiding policy Venn diagram where circles marked ‘Foreign’ and ‘Women’ overlap was unfilled.

It’s not as if Bliss Trussed did not recognise states whose records on human rights are sometimes questionable. Her Global De Pfeffeland photo-opportunity showed Trussed astride her Triumph in Thailand; Bliss ignorance was applied to a state with human rights far worse than De Pfeffeland. Some suspected that she was secretly envious and sought first hand knowledge of an alternative political car crash.

Whatever the case, the policy Venn diagram intersection for ‘Foreign’ and ‘Women’ was fully ticked and amplified by intersecting a third key policy circle ‘Bliss’. Her Spads had pointed out that she automatically ticked the ‘Women’ category, she had merely glowed with pride at the thought. Some suspected she was also trying to out-think her colleague Brigadeer Pratt’s Prattle whose to level-up the judiciary appeared to be headed the same direction as how they’d levelled Northern Powerhouse* .

*Officials have denied rumours that “Northern Powerhouse” was to be renamed “Shepherds Cottage” as it encapsulated the idea more succinctly.